Watching Glass Shatter Page 28
Upon settling in Michigan shortly after falling prey to the accident which resulted in her inability to have more children, Rowena believed God had punished her for being an unwed mother who chose to abandon the baby. When she'd met her future husband, who didn't want any more children given he already had several from his prior marriage, Rowena closed the door on the chapter of her life involving motherhood, choosing not to tell her husband about the baby she'd given away back in Connecticut. Years passed, and they enjoyed a happy marriage with his children.
They'd been married for twenty years that summer, and her stepchildren had all moved out beginning their lives with their own families. She'd turned forty-two years old when reading the obituary that revealed her father had passed away back in Scotland. Not having spoken with her family since she'd left, Rowena reached out to her mother and brother who were anxious to reconnect. After a few phone calls, she'd decided to visit her family and planned a trip with her husband. A few days before they were scheduled to leave, her husband had a minor heart attack, and she postponed the trip to take care of him. That's when Ira Rattenbury had contacted her and revealed the man who had adopted her baby passed away.
Given her mind had been focused on so much of her past, Rowena interpreted it as a sign to take the opportunity to reconnect with her son, planning the trip to Brandywine after her husband had recovered, so that she could meet with Olivia. Before deciding to disrupt her son's life, she had wanted to meet with his adoptive mother to understand what type of a boy he was and whether he had even known about her.
Rowena was surprised to learn Ben never told Olivia about the switch, but she was utterly shocked to learn her son was so sick. After she'd left Olivia in the park, Rowena finally confessed the secret to her husband, who had easily understood why she'd never told him before. He'd known she had a falling out with her family resulting in her move to the United States, but not that she'd given birth to a child after arriving. They'd spent the next few days deciding what would be best for Ethan when Rowena had remembered the letter Olivia gave her.
On the night before she planned to leave for the rescheduled trip to Scotland, she finally opened and read the message Ben had left for his son. Once she'd read Ben's letter, her decision was clear. Rowena called Olivia to explain that she would be leaving for Scotland the next day to visit her family to rebuild the broken relationships she'd left behind. It would be too difficult to meet and say goodbye to her son within a matter of weeks. Though it would break her heart never to actually meet a piece of herself, Rowena could hear Olivia's relief on the phone when revealing the news.
During the next few weeks, Rowena visited her family in Scotland knowing Ethan would pass away while she was away. She preferred it happen that way since she made the decision not to meet him or to tell him she was his birth mother. The alternative path would savagely rip apart too many people's lives.
Rowena decided when she arrived back in the States from her trip to Scotland to finally visit the child she'd given up twice. She took a car from the airport, driving directly to the cemetery, and located his grave. Her eyes focused on the words Loving Son, as those were the ones affecting her heart, while she rested a hand on the headstone. She spoke aloud to him certain he could see and hear her from beyond.
“I hope you're not angry with me for choosing not to meet you when I had the chance, or angry with me because I chose to give ye away in the first place. It wasn't the easiest decision I ever made, but it was also not the hardest one. I may have given birth to you, but I can say with certainty, I am not your mother. Olivia is your mother.”
She leaned against the stone and rummaged through her coat pocket searching for Ben's letter. She held it in her right hand looking closely at the handwritten passages. The silence in the cemetery comforted her, and she could smell the still fresh dirt beneath her feet. While looking around the immediate area, she noticed Ethan's was the only new grave amongst the rows and aisles nearby.
“When I found out I was with child, and I realized I would be raising you on my own, it wasn't fair to you. I was young. I was foolish. I could barely take care of myself. I wasn't capable of being a good mother to you, and I knew it. After my family threw me out, I no longer wanted to live in Scotland, and I came to America to find you a good home.”
Rowena paused to plant the seeds she'd brought with her from her trip back home. She'd forgotten to bring a shovel and used her bare hands to push away enough dirt to bury them deep. Kneeling on a fresh grassy patch, she balanced her weight against the headstone and dropped the seeds into the empty hole. She signed the cross against her relaxed chest, said a brief prayer, and covered all her bases. When finished, Rowena lifted her petite frame off the ground, dusted debris from her knees and legs, and admired her work.
“I brought these with me so that you'd have a piece of Scotland with you now, as you probably never did when you were alive. After I arrived in America, I met Ben, your adoptive father, your real father. I never met his wife, your mother, until recently. When she told me about you, I did want to meet you. I thought perhaps you'd understand why I made the choices I made, but she told me you were dying. And I was faced with choosing to destroy the last few weeks of your life, maybe even resulting in you passing away sooner from the disappointment and shock. Maybe if I told you, you might find the strength to stay longer, but I knew it couldn't happen. That's when I read the letter your father intended for you. And I realized how much love he had for his son, despite the circumstances that led you to him. I couldn't take it away from him, from your mother, from your family. I couldn't hurt you with the truth when you had so wee time left.
“Your father's words were sincere, heartfelt, and from a man who already suffered enough. It wasn't appropriate to let you think your father was weak. I did not want you to question why he couldn't tell you himself in person. And I didn't want you to pass on from this world wondering who you were. Cause you already know who you are, Ethan. You're the son of two loving parents who deserved you, two parents who raised an intelligent, caring, and honorable man on a quest to become a doctor who could heal sick people in great pain. You're a brother who taught his siblings to live their lives to the fullest and forgive one another. You're a husband to a bonnie young girl who will always remember you and compare everyone else to you. But above all, to me, you are proof I made the right decision to let you go all those years ago.”
Ethan stopped being Rowena's son the moment his father had died in Bosnia when all her hopes and dreams to marry her lover and raise the child with him had been stolen. Once she was alone, after every hope had been brutally pilfered from her, she had only been able to take comfort in the replacement of an opportunity for a new life in America where she could put the past behind her. Giving birth was merely a responsibility she had to bear. Giving the child up for adoption had been her duty to help someone else. Even when she'd handed him to Ben, Rowena's emotions laid dormant knowing he was no longer part of her.
As she cast her eyes upon the gravestone that was the only piece of him she'd had the privilege to see since the day he'd been born, Rowena read Ben's letter aloud:
To my son, Ethan,
The gift of life is unlike any other gift one can receive. To imagine two people come together, each bringing a requisite piece of the puzzle, defines magic to someone like me. When this happens, destinies and paths are set, hopes and dreams grow, and love takes its course.
When your mother and I learned we were expecting a fifth child, it came as quite a shock. We hadn't expected any more children… our family was already complete. But it wasn't something we could easily change without repercussions, especially ones neither of us wanted to address. We were blessed with the gift of another life to nurture, and as her pregnancy progressed, our hopes and dreams grew exponentially.
We loved your brothers more than we could express, but as each day passed, thinking about having another child in our lives, our desire to be even better parents increased. We wan
ted to provide our new baby with all we'd learned from being parents to Teddy, Matt, Caleb, and Zach. We realized we had a hole in our family, incomplete with just the four of them. We'd been waiting for you.
I wanted another chance to bring a perfect life into this world. We'd received this gift for a reason, and I yearned for it. I wanted it. I needed it. As your mother's due date grew closer, I found myself listing the activities I should do to be the best father I could be to you. I promised myself I'd work less and spend more time at home with you and your brothers. I vowed to listen to you and guide you to become the man you wanted to be instead of me dictating what that was.
In the hospital, the day you were born, your mother and I experienced the greatest joy when she gave birth to a fifth boy to complete our family. But fate quickly took it away from us when the child died a few hours after being born. Your mother had been sleeping when it happened and never knew the tragedy that came before us.
It destroyed me. In an instant, everything I'd come to love was suddenly ripped away. I was angry. I couldn't accept it. But fate tempted me with an alternative solution. I could switch the baby we lost with another baby being given up for adoption.
By now you know I made that choice, and I'd choose the same one again. From the instant I accepted what fate laid at my doorstep, I accepted it was the same gift I'd already been promised when your mother told me she was pregnant. It didn't matter you came from a different set of parents. It didn't matter our child had just died. It mattered that I had the opportunity to accept the gift into our lives and follow suit with many hopes and dreams.
I'd closed my mind to the little voice inside me saying I should have told your mother what I'd done. I'd closed my mind to the fears someone would find out. I'd closed my mind to the entire situation because it meant you were ours.
And for the last eighteen years, I pretended it never happened. But as you're graduating from high school and moving on with your life to become a doctor, I realized I needed to tell your mother and you what I'd done. Please don't hold her accountable for any of this, as she knew nothing but that she loved her son.
I should have chosen to tell you this in person since you're an adult, but I'm not ready to do so. I need a few more years to watch you achieve the goals you've set to become a doctor and save the world from its own devices. I hope to grow the courage to tell you this story in person, not via this letter, but that's not today.
I've left this with my attorney in case anything happens to me before I can bring myself to tell your mother and you the truth. I hope someday I'll be honest enough, so I can leave this planet knowing I was worthy of my gift… worthy of you.
With much love,
Your Father
“I must go back to my husband and my family, knowing you have been with yours all along.” Rowena kicked away a few burnt orange leaves that had fallen onto the grave, pushed nimble fingers and stoic hands into a pair of warm gloves, and stepped back into the cemetery's main pathway. Time had come for her to return to the plentiful life she'd enjoyed the last twenty years, grateful for a moment to experience a glimpse of the one that could have been.
Chapter 29 – Olivia
After Rowena decided she didn't want to meet her son, the dark mist surrounding Olivia began to disappear. In its wake remained only a shadow of despair that could have been much worse. Olivia never understood why Rowena declined meeting Ethan but was thankful for the reprieve. Ethan's illness was already difficult enough and had one of the other boys been Rowena's son, everything would have been different. A reassuring certainty convinced Olivia the secret could stay permanently buried, as she'd done everything her husband had asked despite the obstacles thrown in her way.
Olivia forgave Ben for not letting her become a part of the decision to switch the two babies, but she still needed to understand why he would leave a letter revealing the truth instead of telling her in person. They had a stronger relationship than he'd shown her by choosing that approach. She was angry she'd never be able to ask him or understand how he came to the conclusion.
Ira Rattenbury stopped by to check on her several weeks after closing on Ben's estate. “Olivia, he was a distraught. His body shuddered every moment I spent with him that afternoon in my office. He had no other choice.”
“I hear what you're saying, but after so much time together, I question everything he ever did.” Olivia fixed her eyes on Ben's study as if she could see him sitting behind the desk. “I thought I knew him.”
“You cannot hold a man accountable by just one action. You must judge him by a lifetime of memories. He loved you, Olivia, more than I'd ever seen another man love his wife.”
“I loved him, but when I lie in bed each night, how do I convince myself it was the only secret he kept?”
“Because he told you the truth, even after his death. He could have kept it to himself. We are human, Olivia. We all bleed. We cry. We hurt. We scare. Ben was no different than you or me. You'll come to accept it in time.”
“I wish I had one more moment with him.”
“We all do.”
Olivia thanked Ira for his dedicated service and shut the door after he left Ben's study. She went in search of her daughter-in-law to say her next goodbye. Emma had stayed with her husband's family for a few weeks after Ethan's death, but now it was time to go home.
As she stepped toward the taxi, Olivia hugged her daughter-in-law. “I'm so glad you've become part of our lives, Emma. No one else will ever miss Ethan as much as you and I do. I consider you my daughter as much as Ethan was my son.”
Emma nodded. “I sense the connection with Ethan when I'm around his family. My heart lifts a little higher, and my eyes grow less weak and blind.”
“Don't forget we're your family now, too. I know Zachary would prefer you to stick around longer. Do you have to leave today?”
“It's time. I want to sort through our things back in Boston and figure out how to move on with my life. I'm not ready to think about anything beyond the next few days, but in time, maybe I'd want to get to know Zach a little better.” Emma pulled the taxi door shut and left Brandywine.
Olivia walked back inside and stood in Ben's study recalling all the invasive life changes throughout the last few months. It was time to call each of her sons before she prepared for her own next journey.
She reached Teddy first. “You sound so much calmer. You were right to sell your father's practice.”
“Will you attend my art show next spring? I've got two paintings planned for the exhibit.”
“Yes, I'd love to. How is Sarah doing?”
“She's good, just began the third trimester today. We're planning on drawing a mural on the ceiling of the baby's room.”
Olivia listened to him describe the images of the design he had in his head, aware of the confidence in his casual and friendly voice over the decision to return to art school. “I'm so happy for you. Will you be able to forgive Sarah?”
“Yes. We've started marriage counseling every week, and she plans to change her hospital shift so that we can have a more normal routine in our lives.”
“That's wonderful. And you're not going to find out the baby's gender beforehand?”
“No, but we're both hoping for a little girl. I've been spending more time with Matt's girls, and it's been an eye-opening experience.”
“What about Zachary?”
“I called him. We've been getting along better lately. It'll be back to normal in a couple of months.”
Talking with Zach had unlocked the final door Teddy needed to accept the abundance of changes in his life even encouraging him to stop eating gyros and potato chips for every meal. When he'd hit Zach, he realized how much his intrusive physical ticks had encouraged every one of his nasty thoughts. Zach had convinced Teddy to meet at the gym one day where Teddy soon noticed pull-ups and boxing gloves were idyllic substitutes for the negativity that had encircled his life. The sheer passion of exerting positive physical energy served as
a palpable replacement, propelling him to stop clenching his jaw and cracking his knuckles over the tension he'd built up throughout all the years.
“I love you, Teddy. And I'll call you when the plane lands.” Knowing one son was on the road to recovery, Olivia disconnected the phone and dialed another to check his progress since she'd last seen him. Matt and Margaret were back at their house doing a walkthrough before the closing. He answered after a few rings.
“You're on speaker, Mom. Margaret's here with me. The buyers just left. The match is set, and we can close this game with the bank tomorrow.”
When Olivia heard his voice, back to its normal cheery and jovial manner, it was as though she could recognize his smile boyish shining through the phone. “It's so good to hear you both. Congratulations. How are you feeling, Margaret?”
“I'm great, full of energy. Different than it was with the girls. It must mean I'm having a boy this time,” Margaret said.
Olivia brightened at the volume of her daughter-in-law's exuberance blasting through the phone.
“Nope, it's a girl, doll. I'm shooting for a whole female basketball team. At least two more girls. I just know it. Maybe afterward, we'll have a boy,” Matt said.
“Olivia, please help me deal with your son. If he talks about another baby again, I swear I'm gonna leave him.”
Olivia laughed. “I agree with her, Matthew. Give it a break, Margaret knows what she's talking about. It's time you let her run the day-to-day around here.”
“She's always run the place, Mom. Just didn't realize it.”